I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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