everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
