the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
