I'm going to jail i love you
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Randomize
