i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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