if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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