the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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