Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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