You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
