Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
