Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
