yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
