I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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