textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
