I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize