anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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