Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
