girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
