I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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