just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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