Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
