Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
