she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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