Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
this boner is exhausting
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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