your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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