It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
