Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
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