she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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