No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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