I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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