So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
