I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
