Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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