you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
