Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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