Tell her she can't have a vagina
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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