the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
