Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
