Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Blood and glitter go together right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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