maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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