just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
