And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize