I am puke
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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