Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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