Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
