this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
