i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
