I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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