I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ladies don't puke and tell
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
