My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
