Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
