It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
