the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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