She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
