I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
