at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
