my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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