Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
