why didn't you poke me back
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
