I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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