I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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