"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You pole danced in your parka.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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