I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
